My Resume
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Daniel Taylor out. It failed miserably.
If you ask Daniel Taylor what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ‘til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ‘til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Daniel Taylor drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Daniel Taylor sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Daniel Taylor has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Daniel Taylor’ fist.
Daniel Taylor invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Daniel Taylor can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Daniel Taylor allows to live.
Daniel Taylor once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Daniel Taylor’ victims before they died? His shoe.
Daniel Taylor is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Daniel Taylor as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Daniel Taylor doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Daniel Taylor and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Daniel Taylor will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
If you spell Daniel Taylor in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Daniel Taylor originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Taylor replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Daniel Taylor once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Daniel Taylor played in second grade.
Daniel Taylor once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Daniel Taylor once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Daniel Taylor re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Daniel Taylor has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Daniel Taylor that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Daniel Taylor once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Daniel Taylor’s warm-up exercises.
Daniel Taylor is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Daniel Taylor turned that wine into beer.
Daniel Taylor can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Daniel Taylor is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Daniel Taylor roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Daniel Taylor could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Daniel Taylor walks.
Daniel Taylor does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
When Daniel Taylor goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Daniel Taylor has breathed on.
Daniel Taylor once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Daniel Taylor won by 5.
Daniel Taylor was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Daniel’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Daniel Taylor sheds his skin twice a year.
When Daniel Taylor calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Daniel Taylor once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Daniel Taylor likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Daniel Taylor has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Daniel Taylor was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
Daniel Taylor can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Daniel Taylor-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Daniel Taylor falls in water, Daniel Taylor doesn’t get wet. Water gets Daniel Taylor.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1DTRhK (Daniel Taylor Roundhouse Kick)
Daniel Taylor house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Daniel Taylor has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Daniel Taylor? …All of it.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Daniel Taylor, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Danielsized.
Daniel Taylor CAN believe it’s not butter.
If tapped, a Daniel Taylor roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Daniel Taylor can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Daniel Taylor has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Daniel Taylor is worth 1 billion words.
Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Daniel Taylor roundhouse kick.
While urinating, Daniel Taylor is easily capable of welding titanium.
Daniel Taylor once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Daniel Taylor talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Daniel Taylor kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Daniel Taylor calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Daniel Taylor to go around.
Daniel Taylor doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Daniel Taylor is Daniel Taylor.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Daniel Taylor, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Daniel Taylor always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write “Daniel Taylor” for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Daniel Taylor invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you’re Daniel Taylor, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Daniel Taylor has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Daniel Taylor randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Daniel Taylor throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing…then Daniel Taylor Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
Daniel Taylor has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Daniel Taylor grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Daniel Taylor”
Daniel Taylor ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Daniel Taylor and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search “Daniel Taylor getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
Daniel Taylor can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Daniel Taylor invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Daniel Taylor. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Daniel Taylor 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Daniel Taylor will find you and kill you.
Daniel Taylor has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Daniel Taylor Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Daniel Taylor lives in Oklahoma.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t believe in Germany.
When Daniel Taylor is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
Daniel Taylor once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Daniel Taylor to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Daniel Taylor can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Daniel Taylor came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.
Daniel Taylor played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Daniel Taylor smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Daniel Taylor is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Daniel Taylor pajamas.
Daniel Taylor once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Daniel Taylor can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Daniel Taylor does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Daniel Taylor invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football— in that order.
A high tide means Daniel Taylor is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Daniel Taylor keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an I in Daniel, but there is no team not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says Ye cannae change the laws of physics. This is untrue. Daniel Taylor can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Daniel Taylor once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Daniel Taylor roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Daniel Taylor does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Daniel Taylor because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Daniel Taylor’ autobiography.
Daniel Taylor can slam a revolving door.
Daniel Taylor is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Daniel Taylor does not swim. This is because when Daniel Taylor enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Daniel Taylor simply walks across the pool floor.
Daniel Taylor built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Daniel Taylor instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Saurons ass halfway through the first chapter.
Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Daniel Taylor would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
Daniel Taylor is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Daniel Taylor’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Daniel Taylor punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Daniel Taylor proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t step on toes. Daniel Taylor steps on necks.
Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.
Daniel Taylor does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Daniel Taylor was cold, so he turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Daniel Taylor, 3. Cancer
It’s widely believed that Jesus was Daniel Taylor’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Daniel Taylor’ skin.
Daniel Taylor did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Daniel Taylor often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Daniel Taylor to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Daniel Taylor had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Daniel Taylor. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.
The last thing you hear before Daniel Taylor gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
As a teen, Daniel Taylor had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Daniel Taylor is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Daniel Taylor won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Daniel Taylor can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Daniel Taylor played Kick the keg.
‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Daniel Taylor. After a workout, Daniel Taylor rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Daniel Taylor cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Daniel Taylor was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Daniel Taylor can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Daniel Taylor once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Daniel Taylor favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Daniel Taylor halloween costume he was wearing.
Daniel Taylor recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Daniel Taylor. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Daniel Taylor invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Daniel Taylor is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Daniel Taylor.
Fear is not the only emotion Daniel Taylor can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Daniel Taylor.”
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Daniel Taylor can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Daniel Taylor’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Daniel Taylor finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin’. Daniel Taylor’ boots ain’t that merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Daniel Taylor killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Daniel Taylor wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The Bible was originally titled “Daniel Taylor and Friends”
Daniel Taylor began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Daniel Taylor doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.
When Daniel Taylor says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.
Daniel Taylor was what Willis was talkin’ about.
Google won’t search for Daniel Taylor because it knows you don’t find Daniel Taylor, he finds you.
Daniel Taylor can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Daniel Taylor jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Daniel Taylor to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Daniel Taylor destroyed the periodic table, because Daniel Taylor only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Daniel Taylor a giant meteor.
Daniel Taylor shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
That’s not Daniel Taylor doing push-ups — that’s Daniel Taylor moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
Daniel Taylor can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Daniel Taylor. Daniel Taylor eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Daniel Taylor does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Daniel Taylor’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Daniel Taylor prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Daniel Taylor.”
Daniel Taylor just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Daniel Taylor was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Daniel Taylor invented the internet just so he had a place to store his porn.
Daniel Taylor does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Daniel Taylor roundhouse kick.
Daniel Taylor is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Daniel Taylor needs toothpicks.
Daniel Taylor smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Daniel Taylor’ personal chef.
When Daniel Taylor plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Daniel Taylor is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Daniel Taylor calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
When God said, “let there be light”, Daniel Taylor said, “say ‘please’.”
Daniel Taylor does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Daniel Taylor’ fists is inside his own body.
One day Daniel Taylor walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Daniel Taylor uses a night light. Not because Daniel Taylor is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Daniel Taylor once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Daniel Taylor glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Daniel Taylor were cloned, then it would be possible for a Daniel Taylor roundhouse kick to meet another Daniel Taylor roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Daniel Taylor once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Daniel Taylor’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
If Daniel Taylor round-house kicks you, you will die. If Daniel Taylor’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Daniel Taylor.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Daniel Taylor while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Daniel Taylor got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Daniel Taylor. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Daniel Taylor sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Daniel Taylor can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Daniel Taylor once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Daniel Taylor. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
The truth will set you free. Unless Daniel Taylor has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Daniel Taylor, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Daniel Taylor roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Daniel Taylor in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Daniel Taylor does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
When Daniel Taylor does division, there are no remainders.
If you rearrange the letters in “Daniel Taylor”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.
Never look a gift Daniel Taylor in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Daniel Taylor will beat his ass and take it.
Daniel Taylor used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Daniel Taylor killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Daniel Taylor’ basement”.
The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Daniel Taylor entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Daniel Taylor roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Daniel Taylor bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Daniel Taylor, dies by the roundhouse kick.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Daniel Taylor come off without a hitch.
The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Daniel Taylor in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Staring at Daniel Taylor for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Daniel Taylor can taste lies.
Daniel Taylor does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Daniel Taylor kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
One time, Daniel Taylor accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Daniel Taylor roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Daniel Taylor can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Daniel Taylor does, in fact, live in a round house.
Daniel Taylor was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
When Daniel Taylor works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it’s been raped.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Daniel Taylor as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Daniel Taylor can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
The only sure things are Death and Taxesand when Daniel Taylor goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.
Daniel Taylor’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Daniel Taylor is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Daniel Taylor is pain. Do not try to square Daniel Taylor, the result is death.
Daniel Taylor’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Daniel Taylor your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Daniel Taylor’ weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Daniel Taylor’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Daniel Taylor took when he was younger. However, in Daniel Taylor’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Daniel Taylor uses 8’x10’ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Noah was the only man notified before Daniel Taylor relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
Daniel Taylor once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up— Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Daniel Taylor roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Daniel Taylor thrives on pain. Daniel Taylor then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
Daniel Taylor eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Fact: Daniel Taylor doesn’t consider it sex if the woman survives.
It is said that looking into Daniel Taylor’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Daniel Taylor knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Daniel Taylor with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Daniel Taylor cannot be in two places at the same time.
Daniel Taylor never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Daniel Taylor takes this as a personal insult.
Daniel Taylor can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
182,000 Americans die from Daniel Taylor-related accidents every year.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Daniel Taylor beats all 3 at the same time.
Jesus can walk on water, but Daniel Taylor can walk on Jesus.
All roads lead to Daniel Taylor. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
If you’re driving down the road and you think Daniel Taylor just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Daniel Taylor was born. Coincidence? i think not.
Daniel Taylor never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as “Daniel Taylor Disease”
Daniel Taylor was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Daniel Taylor, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Daniel Taylor”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Daniel Taylor.
The First rule of Daniel Taylor is: you do not talk about Daniel Taylor.
Daniel Taylor is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Daniel Taylor isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
When Daniel Taylor plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Daniel Taylor can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Daniel Taylor is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Daniel Taylor drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Daniel Taylor always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
As an infant, Daniel Taylor’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Daniel Taylor once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Most people fear the Reaper. Daniel Taylor considers him “a promising Rookie”.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Daniel Taylor.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Daniel Taylor carried his the same distance in half the time.
Daniel Taylor once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
What many people dont know is Daniel Taylor is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
Daniel Taylor was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Daniel Taylor qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Daniel Taylor likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Daniel Taylor uses Tabasco sauce instead of Visine.
Daniel Taylor’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Think of a hot woman. Daniel Taylor did her.
A man once claimed Daniel Taylor kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
Daniel Taylor sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Daniel Taylor owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t chew gum. Daniel Taylor chews tin foil.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Daniel Taylor is on.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Daniel Taylor”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.
Every time Daniel Taylor smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while hes roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Daniel Taylor asks for a body bag.
Theres an order to the universe: space, time, Daniel Taylor…. Just kidding, Daniel Taylor is first.
Daniel Taylor starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tagteam match, Daniel Taylor was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Daniel Taylor doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
Daniel Taylor is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
For undercover police work, Daniel Taylor pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Daniel Taylor is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Daniel Taylor.
1 year ago | Tags: Daniel Taylor
